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Constructive Criticism: Giving Back

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As writers, we thrive on feedback. We need to know which scenes grab the reader by the throat, and which scenes are total snooze-fests. We need to know when our dialogue sounds realistic, and when it sounds like a bad soap opera. We beg and plead for scraps of critique like chubby Dachshunds under the dinner table, just hoping for a few breadcrumbs that might help us improve our stories and get published.

But constructive criticism isn’t a one-way street. If you want other writers to read your work and take the time to give valuable feedback, then you need to be willing to do the same for them. The following are some links, strategies and techniques that have been helpful to me when I’m writing feedback for other authors.

Step One: Getting Started

Before writing any critique, you should ask yourself a few important questions:

1.)    Why are you writing the critique? Is it a genuine attempt to help another author improve, or simply an opportunity to broadcast your opinion?

2.)    Is the story you’re critiquing a first draft, a recently-rejected manuscript, or a finished/published piece?

3.)    What is the experience level of the author? Is this the first time she’s ever shown her work to another living soul, or has she been published twelve times already?

All of these things will help determine the tone and tenor of your critique. For example, you might want to present criticism more gently to a brand-new author, or not be overly harsh on a piece that’s already been published (seeing as how there’s probably nothing the author can do to change it at that point, and any advice you give will have to be applied to future pieces, not the current one). On the other hand, you might want to get more nitpicky when it comes to recently-rejected pieces (since the author will want to figure out why the piece was turned down) or a piece that’s just about to be submitted (since you want to help give it the best possible chance of acceptance, and sometimes that can mean getting a bit critical 🙂 ).

Step Two: Structuring Your Critique

No matter what the situation, the bottom line is that you want the author to hear you. You want the author to take your advice seriously and apply it to his or her writing. The following are some examples of the best – and worst – types of critiques.

Example A: “Wow. That sucked. I mean, truly. The amount of suckage caused by that story nearly popped my eyeballs out of my head – which actually would have been a blessing, since at least I wouldn’t have had to keep reading. You should definitely stick to your day job, because this writing thing isn’t going to work out for you.”

The review above is just plain rude. It personally attacks the author, and offers no valuable information about why the reader didn’t like the story. There is never any excuse to leave a review like this. It is unprofessional, unhelpful, and reflects poorly on the reviewer, rather than the story.

Example B: “Didn’t care for it. Long paragraphs make me snore, and the dialogue felt like cardboard. Definitely not my cuppa.”

Okay, this review is a bit blunt, but it does offer some specific insights as to why the reader didn’t like the story: the paragraphs were too long, and the dialogue wasn’t natural. There are lots of reviews like this floating around the Internet, and there’s nothing really wrong with them, but think about the first question listed above: “Are you writing the review to help the author, or simply to express your opinion?” If your main goal is to give back to the writing community by helping another author improve, then you might consider using a different format – one the author is more likely to respond to in a positive way. Observe:

Example C: “I really enjoyed your description of the rain forest – I could feel the mugginess of the air, and I could hear the exotic bird calls like I was really there. I did struggle somewhat with the long paragraph structure you used in the middle of the story, and some of the dialogue felt forced, but overall the concept of the story was cool, and the setting was well-handled.”

If you look closely, you can see that Example C gives the exact same constructive criticism as Example B. In Example C, however, that criticism is framed by things the reader actually liked about the story. By saying something nice first, you make the author ten times more likely to listen to any criticism that comes later on. By finishing up with something nice, you encourage the writer to keep working on his/her craft (hopefully using the advice you just provided).

This technique is called the “sandwich technique,” and you can read more about it in this wonderful article: “The Give and Take of Critique” (http://www.lspark.com/writing/critique.html). I like the technique because it’s easy to remember, and it works. For other strategies and tips that can help you write the best critiques possible, check out these useful articles: “Tips for Critiquing Other Writers’ Work” (http://www.writingforward.com/writing-tips/tips-for-critiquing-other-writers-work) and “How to Critique” (http://marilynnbyerly.com/page9l.html).

(Special thanks to my writing group member, Pamela, for finding and sharing those resources!)

Step Three: Before Handing it Over

Before you show your review to the author – and especially before you post it online – take a moment to read over what you’ve written. Think about how you, as a writer, would feel if someone wrote this critique about your work. Would it excite you, bum you out, or stomp on your soul like an army boot on big fat cockroach? If you can hear the squishy-crunchy noises of someone’s writing dreams getting squashed, maybe you should tone down your review just a little.

Some reviewers use the realities of the industry as an excuse for writing harsh critiques. I mean, if the author can’t take some blunt remarks, then he/she doesn’t have a thick enough skin to handle rejection from publishers, right? To this, I say: Yeah, you’re right. It is a hard industry. And we do need to have elephant hides in order to survive. But with a steady stream of rejections coming from publishers, editors and agents alike, I believe there should be one group of people we can to turn for some honest feedback and some encouragement to keep going: our fellow writers.

-Gretchen

The Cool Thing Rule

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When it comes to writing, we all seem to have different ideas about what makes a good, productive session. One author I read about has to write a minimum of five pages per day in order to feel like she’s reached her goal. Another writer measures his success by word count – nothing less than a 4,000-word session will do. Other authors choose to focus more on the time put in than the amount of product churned out – as long as they spend a solid hour writing every day, then they feel like they’ve accomplished something.

As for me, I’m not nearly so strict. I’ve never set a word- or page-count goal, nor do I make myself write for a specific duration of time. If I’ve set aside two hours to write, and I happen to reach a natural stopping point after only an hour-and-a-half, then I’m punching out for the day. I’m not going to force myself to start a new scene or a new chapter just because I still have time left on the clock. Same goes for page count – on my best days, I can spew out about two-and-a-half pages, single-spaced. On my worst days, though, when I’ve been wrestling with a difficult scene or some stubborn dialogue, I might reach my limit after only a few paragraphs. If I try to push any further, the writing quality begins to drop. My creative thinking skills plummet off the edge of the Grand Canyon, my brain starts waving the white flag, and I know it’s time to close the laptop.

But if there’s no set word count, no predetermined number of pages, and no specific time window, how do I know that I’ve met my writing goal for the day? The answer: The Cool Thing Rule. Years ago, I was watching the special features on one of my Smallville DVDs (go ahead, you can say it: geeeeeeeek), and the guy in charge of the show’s computer-generated effects said something interesting. He said that as the FX team prepared to shoot each episode, they would always try to come up with at least one effect that made them say, “Wow, it would be really cool if we could pull that off…”

I apply this same concept to my writing. I may not be required to write a certain number of pages each session, but I do have to write at least one Cool Thing. This Cool Thing might be a particularly poetic description, a funny line of dialogue, a unique and quirky simile, or something else entirely, but it has to be Really Cool. And there is no cheating when it comes to this rule – the Cool Thing can’t be something I came up with the night before, or earlier that day when I was out mucking horse stalls. The Cool Thing must be something that sprouts up organically during the day’s writing session, completely unexpected and unplanned. Something that gives my heart a little caffeine-jolt of excitement as the words flow across the screen. Something I can look back on, when I’m done writing, and think, Yeah, I made progress. I wrote something Cool today.

So, that’s how I measure a good, productive writing session – not in words or in hours, but in Cool Things.

How about you?

 

Finding Markets: Don’t Give Up

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This year, I’m trying to get serious about submissions. (Really, I am.) And on this quest to send out more stories to more publishers, I’ve made a discovery: you can’t just rely on one market database – you need to use every tool at your disposal.

A while back, someone was kind enough to give me a year’s subscription to WritersMarket.com (http://www.writersmarket.com/Default.aspx). So, back in January, I fired up my membership for the first time, and eagerly began looking at potential publishers for one of my fantasy stories. Almost immediately, I found a couple of good reasons to freak out: Reason A.) I could only find about four markets – total – that seemed like they might be good matches for my story. Reason B.) Several of the fantasy markets that I had seen on Duotrope (http://duotrope.com/) last year did not show up in the WritersMarket.com listing at all.

So, not only was I bumming about having very few viable options for my poor story, but I was also incredibly nervous about those missing markets. If there were markets left out in the fantasy category, couldn’t there be markets left out in the horror, YA, and inspirational categories as well? After starting my search so hopefully, I felt like I’d been kicked in the bum. It’s hard to get energized about submitting when the chances of getting published seem so darn bleak. I mean, four markets? Total? Was signing up for WritersMarket.com an epic mistake?

The answer: No. Not at all. What I didn’t know a few months ago is that I shouldn’t have been limiting myself to that one database. No database, not even one as enormous as WritersMarket.com, could possibly list every single publisher, agent, magazine, contest and writing organization known to man. There are markets on Duotrope that aren’t on WritersMarket.com. There are markets on WriterMarket.com that aren’t on Duotrope. And there are many markets you can find with a simple Google or Bing search that aren’t listed on either WritersMarket.com or Duotrope.

The reality of the situation: WritersMarket.com gave me several good leads for my story, and I’m pursuing them. But I’m not stopping there, and neither should you. The truth is, writers need all the help they can get to find homes for their stories, articles and books – so why limit yourself? If you’re serious about getting published, attack the challenge with everything in your arsenal. And to that end, here are a few more weapons to add to your cache:

FFC’s Flash Fiction Markets:

http://www.everydayfiction.com/flashfictionblog/flashmarkets/

A free market listing specializing in flash fiction. Updated weekly, this listing is organized by word count, and features symbols that indicate whether or not the market pays, and what genres of writing it accepts. Also really handy: Many of the listings have an “Interview with the Editor” section, which can really give you a great feel for what types of stories the magazine is looking for.

Poets and Writers Magazine’s Tools for Writers:

http://www.pw.org/toolsforwriters

A free database featuring literary magazines and journals, contests, grants, MFA programs, literary agents and more. (They also have weekly writing prompts, if you’re looking for inspiration!)

Hope these are helpful! Keep writing, and keep looking for homes for your stories!

-Gretchen

 

Writer’s Digest Writing Competition: Be an Early Bird!

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I don’t know whether it’s the possibility of awesome prizes, the pressure of a looming deadline, or simply the rush of competition, but nothing lights a fire under my inkwells like a good writing contest. If you feel the same way, you might want to check out the 82nd Annual Writer’s Digest Writing Competition. The top prizes are cool (money, exposure to agents/publishers, writing-related discounts, etc.), the entry fees are reasonable, and there are ten different categories to choose from: memoir/personal essay, genre short story, mainstream/literary short story, magazine feature article, rhyming poetry, non-rhyming poetry, stage play, television/movie script, children’s/young adult fiction, and inspirational writing.

Intrigued? Click here for more details on this reputable and long-running contest:

http://www.writersdigest.com/competitions/writers-digest-annual-competition

If you decide you might like to enter, the best advice I can offer is to enter something that’s absolutely your best work (duh), and to enter it EARLY. I don’t have a huge amount of contest experience under my belt, but I’ve spoken to a fair share of writers who do (including the winner of the EBONY Writing Contest), and they all strongly emphasize one thing: the earlier you enter, the better. The fees are lower if you enter your manuscript by the early bird deadline (May 6, 2013), and – more importantly – the readers are in a better mood. Now, I’m sure every single reader in every single contest is trying his or her best to view each story objectively, but they are only human, and the fact is you’re just not gonna be as enthusiastic about reading manuscript #9,976 as you were about reading manuscript #4. By #9,976, the excitement has died, your eyes are starting to blur, and Times New Roman font has become strangely nauseating.

So, make sure your manuscript is #4. Or, better yet, #1. Get up early and catch that worm! Give yourself the best possible chance to wow the judges in this fun and wide-ranging contest…And who knows, maybe that worm will turn out to be a trip to NYC to meet your future agent!

Best of luck!

-Gretchen

Finding Inspiration

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My favorite ideas are the ones that I don’t see coming. The stories that creep up behind me when I’m not even thinking about writing, and then zap me right in the brain, demanding to be told. Whether it’s having an emotional conversation with a friend about the subject of adoption, or seeing a gargoyle wearing a hula skirt on someone’s lawn, inspiration can come from a million different places, each as unlikely as the next, and only one thing’s for certain: when it strikes, you’ll know it. You’ll write like you have a fever. You won’t want to sleep. You won’t want to eat. Your fingers will gallop across the keyboard, desperate to fill up those blank pages before that demon-possessed, gotta-get-it-all-down feeling leaves you for good.

Uninvited, unexpected inspiration is awesome. Problem is, at least in my case, that type of do-or-die inspiration only hits about three, maybe four times a year. In between those lightning flashes, I start to have my doubts. Yes, I’ve written things that I’m proud of…in the past. But will I ever write anything good again? Will I ever have another great idea that gets my heart thumping? What if the perfect idea does come, but I can’t write the story because I’m so disgustingly out-of-practice?

In case you haven’t figured it out yet: me + nothing to write = too much time to think. My solution: If inspiration won’t come to me, then I will go hunt it down, tie it up, and drag it back to my writing cave. Truth is, you don’t have to wait for a flash of lightning to get those writerly juices flowing. There are a bazillion prompts, contests, and challenges floating around on the internet, each and every one of them designed to help writers stay sharp and conquer that blank page. I already posted one list of Writer’s Digest writing exercises at the end of last year: http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/a-12-day-plan-of-simple-writing-exercise

Need more? Writer’s Digest offers weekly writing prompts here: http://www.writersdigest.com/prompts

Still blocked? There is a really neat literary journal called The First Line (http://www.thefirstline.com/) which actually provides you with the first line of your story. They have four issues per year, and every single story in the fall issue starts with their fall prompt line. Every story in their winter issue begins with the winter prompt line, and so on. They do this not only to help writers win the empty-screen stare-down, but also to celebrate the fact that a single line can lead each one of us in a different and highly imaginative direction.

Fact #1: Writing is fun. Fact #2: Not having anything to write can lead to gloomy, creativity-crippling thoughts. Don’t let a temporary lack of inspiration get the best of you. If you’re feeling unproductive and glum, check out the links above, or do a Google search for challenges, writing prompts or contests to get yourself motivated. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Tell that blank page to burn in h311, because tonight, you’re gonna write something.

-Gretchen

My Favorite Fiction E-zines

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As writers, we’re supposed to read every day. We’re supposed to study the work of other writers, and learn from it. We’re supposed to have extensive knowledge of our genres, so as not to repeat a story that’s been told five gazillion times. But in this insanely busy world, most of us are lucky if we manage to find a few hours a week to write, much less read. Clearly, we’re not going to make it to Barnes and Noble to pick up a new thriller every day – so how do we keep our critical reading skills fresh? For me, the answer is simple: e-zines. There are numerous quality, free-to-read e-zines on the web, which allow readers regular access to brand-new stories, all without leaving the comfort of a cushy computer chair.

The following are three of my favorite e-zines. None of them charge for subscriptions, and all of them publish new stories on a regular basis. Also, I should add that all three of these are paying markets, currently open for submissions. So, what are you waiting for? Go check them out:

Every Day Fiction ( http://www.everydayfiction.com/ )

This is a flash fiction zine that publishes a new story every single day. All genres are welcome, and each piece is only 1,000 words or less – short enough to read in the morning before your commute, or while you’re wolfing down Cheetos on your lunch break. This magazine has great variety in terms of the styles and subject matters it publishes. One day you’re reading about a little girl trying to save a weird, cat-like creature on an alien world, the next day you’re reading about a dude who’s in love with a painting. Fresh, edgy and experimental writing goes side-by-side with more traditional prose in this cool flash zine. Stories can be sent directly to your email, and are also available on the website. Older stories remain on the site, archived by category.

Daily Science Fiction ( http://dailysciencefiction.com/ )

This zine publishes new science fiction and fantasy stories Monday through Friday. Like EDF, the stories can be sent directly to your email, or you can read them on the site. DSF tends to publish flash stories on the first four days of the week, with a longer story on Fridays. Most of the stories they publish have this really beautiful, literary quality. One of the neat things about this e-zine is that you don’t really have to be a fan of the science fiction/fantasy genre to appreciate the stories, since so many of them are character-driven. Another nifty feature: like EDF, the stories on the site are archived by category, so if you just want to read about monsters, or robots, or any other specific topic, you can get there with a click of a button.

Knowonder! ( http://www.knowonder.com/ )

Here’s one for children’s fiction authors! This magazine has a (non-free) print version which publishes thirty new stories each month, but you can read ten of those thirty stories on their website for free! The emphasis is on read-aloud stories with prose that engages all of the senses and adventures that capture the imaginations of young children. The tales range from humorous to action-filled, and are all, of course, kid-friendly. Definitely a can’t-miss site for children’s writers and also for Moms who are a little bit tired of reading Goodnight, Moon every single night.

Now you’ve got three great magazines to read, each just a mouse-click away. So, go get your daily dose of fiction!

-Gretchen

Chicken Soup for My Soul

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Time to bust out the champagne! A member of my writing group has just been accepted for publication in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Chicken Soup: Inspiration for the Writer’s Soul, as a matter of fact. Our whole group is full-to-bursting with pride, and as we clinked our plastic cups full of sparkling grape juice (hey, we were in a public library), I realized this would be a good time to say a few words about the Chicken Soup franchise, and the opportunities it provides for writers.

For those of you who don’t know, Chicken Soup for the Soul is a series of inspirational books. Each book features roughly a hundred true stories that center on a specific theme. The theme might be cats, dogs, mother-daughter relationships, parents of autistic children, brides-to-be, or, in the case of my friend’s recent acceptance, inspiration for writers.

The reason this is such a cool opportunity: Chicken Soup is constantly coming out with new books. Meaning, they’re constantly calling for new material. Meaning, there are lots of chances to get published! Right now, they’re looking for true, inspirational stories on the following topics:

-Devotional Stories for Wives

-Holiday Stories

-Lemons to Lemonade

-Miracles

-Miraculous Messages from Heaven

-Multitasking Mom’s Survival Guide

-The Dating Game!

Now, maybe you’re a semi-pro golfer who hates holidays and has never seen a miracle in his life. If so, don’t fret – next month, they might very well be calling for entries to a brand-new book that’s right up your alley, like Chicken Soup for the Golfer’s Soul: Touching Tales from on the Green, or something similar. This would be the perfect chance for you to write about those baby ducks you rescued from the sand trap. Or that time you took Grandpa putting and he really started to open up about his war days. No matter what your passions are, no matter where your life’s journey has taken you, you probably have at least one sweet, heartwarming story inside of you, just waiting for the right opportunity to come out.

Check Chicken Soup’s “Call For Entries” page often, and your chance just might come:

http://www.chickensoup.com/form.asp?cid=possible_books

Best of luck, and keep writing!

-Gretchen

Flash Fiction Contest and Novel Suspense

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Attention Short Story Authors –

Flash Fiction Chronicles, a blog devoted to the art of short-short stories, is having their fifth annual String-of-10 Flash Fiction Contest. The basic idea: they give you ten prompt words, and you have until this Saturday (Feb. 9th) to write a very short story (250 words or less) that seamlessly incorporates at least four of the ten words. There is no cost to enter the contest, and the prizes include money, publication, t-shirts, books and other cool stuff. Each author can enter up to two stories. I entered last year, and had a total blast writing my story! It’s a great mental challenge, and a great workout for your author muscles. So, why not give it a shot?

You can find the rules, prompt words, links to past winners and all other relevant info here:

http://www.everydayfiction.com/flashfictionblog/string-of-10-five-flash-fiction-contest-begins-now/

Have fun!

Also, for those who dig writing longer works, I came across this nifty article with tips on how to really crank up the suspense in the first fifty pages of your novel. The author gives clear, easy-to-understand advice, followed by numerous specific examples of how to apply that advice to your book. It’s great stuff, so go check it out:

http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/how-to-raise-the-stakes-in-your-first-50-pages-of-your-novel

-Gretchen

Writing Challenge: Day Eight (Plus Awesome Screenwriting Links!)

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Before we get to the challenge, I thought I’d share some super-helpful links for budding screenwriters. If you’ve always dreamed of writing a screenplay or teleplay but didn’t know where to start, these are the links for you. They will give you all the info you need, laid out in simple, easy-to-understand instructions. You’ll come away from these websites knowing all the terminology and formatting rules you need to get started writing your very own script.

This first website has numerous sections, based on what type of script you’d like to write (e.g. movie script, tv episode, etc). This is where you learn all the most basic elements and how to use them on the page:

http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/eng/howtoguides

Once you’ve mastered the bare bones, go to this website for slightly more advanced info about how each page of your script should look, and what to do in special situations, like when a character’s dialogue runs over onto the next page, or how a complicated action should be conveyed:

http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html

Both of these sites have great, detailed examples. Once you’ve gotten the hang of writing for the screen, another important thing to do is look at examples of actual scripts that are similar to the one you’re working on. These are plentiful on the Internet, and easy to find thanks to Google. If you’re writing an action film, try to track down scripts of other action movies. If you’re writing an episode of Supernatural, hunt down some bona fide Supernatural scripts and be sure to model your teleplay after the style and format used by the show’s writers. This is really important for spec scripts, because every show has its formatting quirks.

A few final notes about screenwriting:

1.) Re: Fonts: Courier and Courier New are NOT the same. Use Courier.

2.) Re: The Art of Screenwriting: If you’re a fiction writer, like me, the transition to writing scripts can be a little bit bumpy. It’s a very different artform, and to be honest I didn’t like it that much at first. I thought it was “clunky” and lacked the artistry of short stories and novels. Then someone mentioned to me that a script isn’t the final product. Short stories and novels, once sufficiently edited, are ready to go out and meet the world. The reader of a short story or novel experiences the words exactly as they are written on the page. With scripts, this is not true. Scripts are a blueprint – a guide that will help literally hundreds of other people, including actors, directors, make-up artists, special effects people, and cameramen, all collaborate to create the final version: the version the audience sees on screen. When I started looking at things this way, I fell in love with the idea of being a part of such an amazing group effort, and I fell in love with the art of script writing. I hope you will, too.

And now, on to Day Eight of the Writing Challenge, which is the last of these challenges I’ll be posting (unless I manage to dig up the old notebook where I wrote Day Four).

Author’s Note: This is a not-for-profit work of fiction. No offense or infringement is intended. Please don’t sue me.

Day 8: Rewrite a fairy tale from the bad guy’s point of view.

It’s been done before, and it’s been done better, but I still couldn’t help myself. I give you:

 

The Big Bad Wolf: A Barbara Walters Exclusive
by Gretchen Bassier

Announcer:  It was the story that shocked the nation: A senior citizen, eaten alive. A beautiful young woman, viciously attacked. A very big, very bad wolf.

Since his 1998 conviction, Mr. Wolf has refused to speak publicly about his alleged crimes. But tonight, in an exclusive Barbara Walters interview, we take you inside Sing Sing for a live chat with the big baddie himself.

Barbara, what are your thoughts right now, as you wait for the guards to bring him in?

Barbara:  It’s hard to say what my thoughts are, Steve, but my heart is racing. I’m sitting here in front of bulletproof glass – looking at what appears to be a large dog kennel – while holding a panic button in my hand.

Announcer:  So, not a standard interview, then?

Barbara:  Not by a long stretch, Steve.

Guard #1:  Ms. Walters? They’re going to be bringing him in, now.

Barbara:  All right.

Guard #2:  Get in there, you! Go on! Crate. Crate! Okay, now sit and stay. STAY!

Barbara:  Will he be able to talk, with that muzzle on?

Guard #1:  We’ll take the muzzle off, as soon as he’s shackled. See? Now Mike’s going to secure the cage door…Those are titanium bars, by the way, so you should be perfectly safe. Theoretically.

Barbara:  That’s reassuring…

Guard #2:  Okay, we’re good. Just remember, if you feel threatened at any time, all you have to do is press the button. We’ll be right outside.

Barbara:  Thank you.

Guard #1:  We’ll also be listening for distress noises, in case you don’t get a chance to press the button.

Barbara:  …

Guard #2:  Good luck!

Barbara (to camera):  …All right, if you’re just joining us, we are sitting here live inside of Sing Sing prison, where Mr. Wolf is currently serving a life sentence for crimes almost too heinous to mention. Now, for the first time ever, Mr. Wolf is reaching out to the media, hoping to tell his side of the story.

Barbara (to wolf):  Good evening, Mr. Wolf.

Wolf:  Good evening, Barbara.

Barbara:  Can you hear me all right, behind all that glass?

Wolf:  I can hear you very well. I can see you even better.

Barbara:  That’s good. Now, Mr. Wolf—

Wolf:  You can call me B.B.

Barbara:  All right, B.B. Since you brought it up, do you feel that your parents giving you the name “Big Bad” predisposed you to a life of crime?

Wolf:  That’s a common misconception, Barbara. I was actually named after B.B. King. My parents were huge blues fans. And, as to my “life of crime”…why don’t we leave it up to the audience to decide whether or not I’m actually a criminal, once they’ve heard my story?

Barbara:  Then let’s cut right to the chase: B.B., you were convicted of cannibalizing an elderly woman.

Wolf:  That charge is ridiculous.

Barbara:  But human remains were found in your digestive system, shortly after your arrest…

Wolf:  Yes. Exactly – human remains. I’m a wolf, she was a person. That’s not cannibalism. That’s one species eating a completely different species. If I ate another wolf, then it would be cannibalism.

Barbara:  So…you’re not denying you ate Mrs. Hood?

Wolf:  I’ve never denied that.

Barbara:  Then what is it you wanted to tell our audience tonight?

Wolf:  That it wasn’t my idea. It wasn’t something I set out to do. I mean, why would I want to eat an old lady?

Barbara:  Well, you are a carnivore…

Wolf:  I’m also an excellent hunter. When I want a snack, all I have to do is hop a fence, corner a nice juicy lamb, and tie on a bib. So, why eat an old person? They’re boney. Their skin is like leather. They smell like formaldehyde…Does that sound like five-star cuisine to you?

Barbara:  Then why did you do it?

Wolf:  For Red.

Barbara:  Little Red Riding Hood?

Wolf:  Yes.

Barbara:  The victim’s granddaughter?

Wolf:  Yes. Although to hear her tell it, she was the victim. At least that’s the story Red hooked me with, when she asked me to do the job.

Barbara:  She asked you to kill her own grandmother?

Wolf:  Absolutely. It happened the very first day we met. I was just lifting my leg, minding my own business while preparing to, well, do my business, when all of a sudden this hot little red-head number comes skipping through the trees.

I thought she would run the moment she caught sight of me, but she didn’t. Instead, she walked right up to me – smiling, batting her big doe eyes, swinging her hips in that four-inch mini-skirt.

“Oh, Mr. Wolf,” she said, “I have been looking all over for you…”

Naturally, I was taken aback. “Aren’t you afraid of me?” I asked.

She shook her head, making that red hair flicker like fire. “I want your help,” she said. “I need your help.” Then she walked a circle around me, running her fingers right through my fur.

Now, I could’ve killed her right then and there. But I was curious. And a little impressed. So I said, “What in your life is so bad, that you’re not afraid of a big wolf like me?”

And that’s when she started to cry – big, fat teardrops rolling out of her eyes, ruby lips all quivering. “It’s my Nana,” she whimpered. “She’s wicked.”

Barbara:  Wicked?

Wolf:  That’s right. Red went on to give me a whole sob story about how her witch of a grandmother got mad because Red apparently ate some candy in the house that was just meant for decoration. Granny got so peeved, in fact, that she tried to shove Red in the oven and cook her for dinner. Now that would have been cannibalism. But somehow, Red escaped. She told me she ran away and had been hiding in the woods, cold and scared and too afraid to go home until someone did something about her grandma.

“Now, I’m just a little girl,” Red said. “I’m not strong enough to fight her off. But you, Mr. Wolf…you have such big teeth. And such strong paws. I just know you could help me.” Then she ran her fingers through my fur again, and pressed her cleavage right against my shoulder and yes, I admit it, I was affected. But I don’t do charity work.

So I said, “What’s in it for me?”

Red explained that she had an inheritance from when her parents died, but she couldn’t access the money while Grandma was still alive.

“If you help me, we can split it,” she promised. “One-point-three million each.”

From my point of view, it seemed like a win-win situation: Red would be safe, a mean old lady would be kibble. Not to mention, one-point-three million dollars buys a LOT of steak…

Barbara:  So you agreed?

Wolf:  I did. Red gave me directions to her grandmother’s house – “It’s just over the river and through the woods” – then she told me to wait until after dark. When I showed up at the cottage that night, Red was hiding in the bushes. She gave me the key and wished me luck…

Barbara:  Then you went inside and…

Wolf: Ate Nana. Like I said, not exactly five-star cuisine. I was actually still trying to wash her down with some milk when Red came running in, yelling that she’d seen the Huntsman riding up the path to the cottage.

Barbara:  The Huntsman?

Wolf:  Yes. It’s a nickname Sheriff Smith gave himself. He makes everyone call him that. It’s pretty stupid, actually, but no one wants to tell him because he’s always carrying a gun. And sometimes an axe…

Barbara:  You’ve had some experience with that axe yourself, haven’t you?

Wolf:  Most unfortunately. But that’s skipping ahead. So first, Red ran in, yelling that the Huntsman was coming. Naturally, I freaked. I had just eaten a human being, not to mention I already had three warrants out for my arrest for destruction of property and home invasion – completely fabricated, but we’ll get to that later – so I asked Red to help me sneak out the back.

“There’s no time!” she hissed. “You’ll have to pretend to be Nana!” Then she threw her grandmother’s pink nightie at me and told me to put it on.

Barbara:  Did you?

Wolf:  I am sad to say, yes. I was desperate. Of course, as soon as I caught sight of myself in the bedroom mirror, I knew it wasn’t going to work – sure, Nana had a few whiskers, but she wasn’t Lon Chaney, Jr. And those glasses made my eyes look huge. But Red insisted that if I got in the bed and pulled up the covers, the Huntsman would never know. So I pulled the blanket right up to my chin, and Red ran out of the room.

For about five minutes, I lay there, terrified, trying to make old lady breathing noises.

Then all hell broke loose: the Huntsman burst through the door like a crazed axe murderer, and Red rushed in right behind him, all tearful and earnest.

She pointed right at me and said, “That’s him, Sheriff – that’s the wolf that ate Nana. And he tried to eat me, too!”

Barbara:  Were you shocked?

Wolf:  Speechless. I didn’t even have time to throw the covers off before the Huntsman was on top of me, chopping into me like some psychopath! Just LOOK at these scars! These are NOT from an appendectomy!

Barbara:  According to his testimony, the Sheriff was trying to save Mrs. Hood’s life by removing her from your stomach.

Wolf:  Does that even make sense? Think about it! I had to chew her before I swallowed her – how would she still be alive? Not to mention the fact that she was already partially digested…

Barbara:  Yes, let’s not mention that…

Wolf:  Anyway, I lost consciousness at some point while he was hacking into me. I woke up later in the hospital. They aren’t even sure how I survived. I guess once Huntsboy realized he wasn’t getting granny out in one piece, he came to his senses and called nine-one-one. After all, a Sheriff axing an unarmed suspect to death might lead to a few problems for the police department…

Barbara:  You believe he called the ambulance to protect himself from a lawsuit?

Wolf:  Absolutely.

Barbara:  He couldn’t have done it out of the goodness of his heart?

Wolf:  The Huntsman’s not the upstanding member of society most people think he is. He’s got darkness in him. Wanna know what really happened to Bambi’s Mom?

Barbara:  Probably not.

Wolf:  Good choice. That story gives me nightmares…

Barbara:  Getting back to your story, B.B…

Wolf:  Well, you know how it ends, Barbara – after the hospital, I went to jail, and then I went on trial. You should’ve seen Red in the courtroom: the cute little hooded sweater she wore, the basket of muffins she brought the judge, those big brown eyes…and of course, the waterworks. Always the waterworks. I knew I didn’t have a prayer. I was lucky to get life in prison…

Barbara:  So she duped you, and the Sheriff, and the judge?

Wolf:  She is something. From the moment she ran her fingers through my fur, I knew she was something…

Barbara:  Do you still believe her Grandmother abused her?

Wolf:  No, Red stole that story from an old newspaper article. Turns out it actually happened to some German kids back in the 1800s – Hans and Greta, or something like that…Anyway, that’s my story.

Barbara:  Shocking.

Wolf:  It’s not exactly a fairytale, that’s for sure.

Barbara:  Do you feel better, now that you’ve told your side?

Wolf:  A little.

Barbara:  Before we go, is there anything else you’d like to clear up? You did mention those destruction of property and home invasion charges…

Wolf:  I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: I HAVE ALLERGIES!

 

Writing Challenge: Day Six (Plus Twenty-Five Reasons You Might Get Rejected)

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Before rewinding back to Day Six of the challenge, I thought I’d share a nifty article I came across on the Writer’s Digest website, which discusses how optimism, insanity, and yes, even a little arrogance can be good things when tackling the difficult task of getting published. Also, there’s a hilariously accurate pie chart detailing the road to publication, and both of those can be found here:

http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/the-importance-of-being-slightly-arrogant-as-a-writer?et_mid=596701&rid=233787571

In addition, I found a helpful link on the Flash Fiction Chronicles site, which contains a list of twenty-five reasons an agent might reject your manuscript – often after only reading the first paragraph. The list has some really interesting items that you might not think of, so definitely go check it out:

http://bloodredpencil.blogspot.com/2010/09/sept-2-top-25-reasons-your-submissions.html

Also, coming up in the New Year on as the HERO flies:

For Writers:

-The very best websites for beginning screenwriters
-Awesome flash fiction market resources
-My favorite fiction e-zines

For Fans:

-New Mentalist fan fiction
-New Supernatural fan fiction
-New episode reviews

Moving on to the writing challenge, I give you Day 6: Select a book on your shelf and pick two chapters at random. Take the first line of one chapter and the last line of the other chapter and write a short story (no more than 1000 words) using those as bookends to your story.

The book I selected was Ghosts Caught on Film by Dr. Melvyn Willin. I used the first line of Chapter Two, and the last line of Chapter Five (which, although I didn’t realize it at the time, turned out to be the very last line of the book).

Notes and Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters Sherlock Holmes or John Watson, and I make absolutely no profit from writing fan fiction. This story was written in December of 2011, before there was a totally and completely fabulous show called Elementary, and this fic does not take place in that universe (i.e. Watson is not a girl in this story).

Elementary
by castiello

“Can we photograph thoughts, the very pictures in our minds?”

Watson looked up from the bit of fiber he was studying. Holmes was over by the wall, gazing at a dreary oil painting of a cobble-stone street.

Watson sighed. “Not likely. ‘Thoughtography’ has no basis in science, Holmes. Scholars have disproven nearly every claim. We’ve even disproven a few ourselves, over the years. Remember?”

“Ah, yes,” Holmes murmured absently. “Of course.”

Watson went back to examining the fiber, which appeared to be silk. “What brought it to your mind, anyhow?”

“Oh, it just fluttered in, like a small bird…perhaps through that window—” Holmes pointed a withered finger at the painting “—Or maybe through…another…” His voice trailed off, cataract-dull eyes wandering vaguely.

“Maybe we should focus on the case at hand,” Watson suggested gently.

Holmes’ eyes fogged over completely. “The case…?”

Watson winced. He’d been trying to persuade his old friend to retire for years. “The one we’re helping Inspector Cartwright with. The Niesen murder.”

Holmes stared blankly.

Watson’s heart twinged. His voice softened. “Why don’t you sit down, old fellow? Have a smoke and ponder things, while I finish looking over the crime scene.”

“What crime scene?” Holmes asked, frowning. His eyes were still foggier than a London morning.

“This room,” Watson replied patiently. “The one we’re standing in.”

More fog.

Watson sighed. “This is the room where the girl was murdered,” he explained, gesturing at the clothing-strewn bedchamber, which bore obvious evidence of a struggle.

The fog evaporated in an instant. “Oh, she wasn’t murdered in here,” Holmes announced confidently.

Watson raised his eyebrows, cautiously hopeful. “How do you know that?”

“There’s not a drop of blood in sight.”

“She was strangled, Holmes.”

“Ah, yes…Just as I suspected…” Holmes nodded knowingly, making his grey mane bounce.

Watson gritted the few teeth he had left. “Why don’t you—” he started to say, but Holmes cut him off with a sudden shout:

“Look here, Watson! A clue!” Holmes began to bend down, presumably to pick something up off the floor, but he froze in mid-stoop. “Oh, dear,” he said faintly.

“What’s wrong?” Watson asked.

“My back – it seems to be locked in this position…”

“You can’t move?”

“Neither up nor down,” Holmes confirmed. “How is it that I could be stuck in such a state?”

“I don’t know,” Watson murmured, hobbling over to help his friend. “It’s a mystery we may never solve.”